Today's the big day, the day we wait 364 other days to get to. I gotta keep this short, lots to do when I get home! Need to paint Dylans face and get him all creepified, then set up some strobe lights out front to look like lightning and to light up my freaky costume. Then get dressed and wait for little kids to happen by and scare. Should be a good time had by all.
So with daylight savings it's nice and light for my morning walk, plus its unseasonable warm out and so it felt like a summer day. Of course that will change when we're plunged back into darkness at 3:00. Still, it was nice being able to see where we're walking.
Yesterday was nice, pretty warm out. The grass is finally green again and needed cut, so I did that while Kim and Dylan raked leaves. Then Dylan and I tried to dig up a little tree to replant elsewhere else in the yard, when we couldn't pull it out after 20 mins of hard labor digging, we put the truck to work and tied a rope around the roots. Slowly I backed up in 4 wheel drive until (you guessed it) the rope broke. So I hacked it off at the roots with an ax and filled in the hole. Then, its off to bowling where we always have a great time. Dylan is getting much better, for me its like golf. I can roll 3 strikes in a row, then suck horribly, all in one game. Kim is pretty consistent (as long as the bumper guards are up, ha ha ha) I tease.
We have to practice and get our act together for when grandpa comes out. Dylans pretty sure he's going to beat him. I keep tryin' to tell the high hoped little fella that none of us will beat him. Even if we combine our scores, so we may have to go Tonya Harding on him with a crowbar to the knee in the parking lot. That gave him some hope.
He would like a bowling ball for xmas a 6 pounder with holes just right for him. I think its more that he wants something else heavy to leave on the floor for me to kick bare toed in the middle of the night than it is for bowling, but we'll see. Either way, it will be an entertaining gift for him.
I hope everyone has a Happy Halloween!
Monday, October 31, 2005
Friday, October 28, 2005
Building Website Unravels Eugene Man's Sanity
There are few times in my life where I have wanted to physically harm my computer and since its a laptop, I imagine it would make for a nice, hi tech frisbee. I realize that acting on this will only slow my progress further and if I'm honest with myself, I would say that its not the computer at all, its my lack of understanding html. The computer is simply the messenger delivering the bad news. My website is built and done, the only thing stopping me from publishing it successfully is a mere 5 links. Thats it. 5 little clicky clicks of the stupid mouse and I'm on my way. Nearly 6 months of work building this to be a "simple" website and it all comes down to linking pages together. so when you click on the button, your magically transported to another page through the ether or cyber space, or where ever the heck you go for that brief time in between clicks. I will beat this thing. I have other ideas to whip it into shape.
However, if there is anyone reading this that has any advice to send my way, I would gladly write something nice about you in my next post.
Maybe even link your site to my blog. Huh? how bout it? enticing isn't it?
I think my wife and kid would also appreciate your advice. I'm getting the sneaking suspision that they are utterly sick of my bitching and psychotic rumblings about html tag this and html tag that.
Dylan flat out says, "Dad all you do is worry about this website, your focusing too much on it". Of course he's said that from the first day I started working on it when it interferred with playing catch or something. They're right though, I'm ready to move on to other projects as well.
However, if there is anyone reading this that has any advice to send my way, I would gladly write something nice about you in my next post.
Maybe even link your site to my blog. Huh? how bout it? enticing isn't it?
I think my wife and kid would also appreciate your advice. I'm getting the sneaking suspision that they are utterly sick of my bitching and psychotic rumblings about html tag this and html tag that.
Dylan flat out says, "Dad all you do is worry about this website, your focusing too much on it". Of course he's said that from the first day I started working on it when it interferred with playing catch or something. They're right though, I'm ready to move on to other projects as well.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Long Forgotten Word Dug up and Dusted Off For Your Enjoyment
I’m backing out of my driveway this morning and from out of nowhere, this word pops into my head, carbuncle, and I start laughing to myself because it sounds funny. You know like; He he, stupid word. (like Homer would say it)
Then I want to know what the heck it means and why is it surfacing now? What triggered it to pop into my noodle so randomly? Well here is the official definition as listed by my handy online dictionary, www.dictionary.com (so as not to be sued for plagiarism)
car·bun·cle ( P ) Pronunciation Key (kärbngkl)
n.
1. A painful localized bacterial infection of the skin and subcutaneous tissue that usually has several openings through which pus is discharged.
2.
a. A deep-red garnet, unfaceted and convex.
b. Obsolete. A red precious stone.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Middle English, from Old French, from Latin carbunculus, small glowing ember, carbuncle, diminutive of carb, carbn-, coal. See ker-3 in Indo-European Roots.]
------------------------------------------------------------------------
carbuncled adj.
car·buncu·lar (-ky-lr) adj.
So after giving this some deep thought, I am mentally whisked back to 7th grade where my teacher Mrs. Shaw undoubtably forced me to learn the spelling and definition of this and thousands of other utterly useless words. I was probably even forced to use it in a sentence. I don’t remember exactly, but I'll go out on a limb and assume my sentence went something like this:
Today, I was forced to look up the word carbuncle and as a result I feel rather carbuncular.
To which she would have given me the disappointed teacher look followed by an F.
Well Gayle, (I’m old enough to use her first name now) having looked up this silly word for the second time in 22 years, I still don’t know what the heck it means or how I would use it! Look at the definition! Is it an oozing pus hole, or a gem? and as far as using it in real life, If I said, “Today I gave my girl a carbuncle” You might assume she needed a shot of penicillin when actually I meant a deep-red garnet, unfaceted and convexed.
My point to all this is how much of this useless knowledge is floating around in my brain. Does this fractured knowledge bubble and ooze like a carbuncle only to surface one day as I back out of the driveway on my way to work? Yes apparently it does.
Well, my reality doesn’t use the word carbuncle but once every 22 years, and further more, in the real world, I do in fact get to draw pictures and daydream and come up with neat images and ideas that back in the day (7th grade) earned me a disappointed teacher look. Neener neener neener.
Spell that and use it in a sentence!
I pick on Gayle because she was an awesome teacher and I know she can take it. (plus she might read this someday) but all kids go through the same crap. Being forced to temporarily learn crap they will never actually use. I use to remember the words just long enough to get a perfectly acceptable C on the test, then I would purge the knowledge and prepare for the next 10 useless words. Well as it turns out, my purging must have been flawed otherwise this funny word carbuncle would not have trespassed upon the sacred landscape that is my mind this morning. How many more words will surface Gayle? Can I expect some fractions to appear at lunch, or perhaps some tidbit about a wayward Spanish Armada discovering our already discovered world in 1492? I can’t turn it off Gayle, you’ve created a monster.
Well it may have taken 22 years, but now I not only know what ‘carbuncle’ means, I can use it in a sentence if you like, or a 500 word essay, your choice. I guess your mission is officially accomplished.
Thank you Mrs. Shaw.
(for the record she was actually one of about 3 teachers I had that truly appreciated and encouraged creativity and thinking outside the box) This is what that gets her! I hope she's learned a lesson.
Then I want to know what the heck it means and why is it surfacing now? What triggered it to pop into my noodle so randomly? Well here is the official definition as listed by my handy online dictionary, www.dictionary.com (so as not to be sued for plagiarism)
car·bun·cle ( P ) Pronunciation Key (kärbngkl)
n.
1. A painful localized bacterial infection of the skin and subcutaneous tissue that usually has several openings through which pus is discharged.
2.
a. A deep-red garnet, unfaceted and convex.
b. Obsolete. A red precious stone.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Middle English, from Old French, from Latin carbunculus, small glowing ember, carbuncle, diminutive of carb, carbn-, coal. See ker-3 in Indo-European Roots.]
------------------------------------------------------------------------
carbuncled adj.
car·buncu·lar (-ky-lr) adj.
So after giving this some deep thought, I am mentally whisked back to 7th grade where my teacher Mrs. Shaw undoubtably forced me to learn the spelling and definition of this and thousands of other utterly useless words. I was probably even forced to use it in a sentence. I don’t remember exactly, but I'll go out on a limb and assume my sentence went something like this:
Today, I was forced to look up the word carbuncle and as a result I feel rather carbuncular.
To which she would have given me the disappointed teacher look followed by an F.
Well Gayle, (I’m old enough to use her first name now) having looked up this silly word for the second time in 22 years, I still don’t know what the heck it means or how I would use it! Look at the definition! Is it an oozing pus hole, or a gem? and as far as using it in real life, If I said, “Today I gave my girl a carbuncle” You might assume she needed a shot of penicillin when actually I meant a deep-red garnet, unfaceted and convexed.
My point to all this is how much of this useless knowledge is floating around in my brain. Does this fractured knowledge bubble and ooze like a carbuncle only to surface one day as I back out of the driveway on my way to work? Yes apparently it does.
Well, my reality doesn’t use the word carbuncle but once every 22 years, and further more, in the real world, I do in fact get to draw pictures and daydream and come up with neat images and ideas that back in the day (7th grade) earned me a disappointed teacher look. Neener neener neener.
Spell that and use it in a sentence!
I pick on Gayle because she was an awesome teacher and I know she can take it. (plus she might read this someday) but all kids go through the same crap. Being forced to temporarily learn crap they will never actually use. I use to remember the words just long enough to get a perfectly acceptable C on the test, then I would purge the knowledge and prepare for the next 10 useless words. Well as it turns out, my purging must have been flawed otherwise this funny word carbuncle would not have trespassed upon the sacred landscape that is my mind this morning. How many more words will surface Gayle? Can I expect some fractions to appear at lunch, or perhaps some tidbit about a wayward Spanish Armada discovering our already discovered world in 1492? I can’t turn it off Gayle, you’ve created a monster.
Well it may have taken 22 years, but now I not only know what ‘carbuncle’ means, I can use it in a sentence if you like, or a 500 word essay, your choice. I guess your mission is officially accomplished.
Thank you Mrs. Shaw.
(for the record she was actually one of about 3 teachers I had that truly appreciated and encouraged creativity and thinking outside the box) This is what that gets her! I hope she's learned a lesson.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
From Tyke to Tycoon With One Tooth!
Thats right, Dylan lost another tooth! I'm beginning to think he's pulling them out, ready or not, for the cold hard cash the 'Tooth Fairy' brings. I even tried to get out of it. I said, "well since you know the truth, I suppose its silly to carry on with the tradition huh"? He just looked at me like 'Not an option pal! After 8 years of your lying BS, the least you could do is cough up a five spot once in a while. So now, this tooth fairy business is being fueled by pure guilt. Nice.
Let me give some valuable cost cutting parental advice to those who are headed down this same road. Start off low. Yea, yea, that first tooth is special, and of course its a big deal! Treat it like a big deal by all means, just don't make it worth $5! There is no going back after you've done that. What, his other teeth and the effort to yank 'em out aren't worth the same as the first one? And what about a molar? What happens then? A second mortgage?
We've really dug ourselves a hole and now can't afford a shovel to dig out with. Dylan can though!
No wonder the most I ever pulled down for a tooth was $1.00. I wonder if my parents learned a similar lesson with Eric? He probably got the $5 spot while I got the quarters. Thats cool, at least I could get a pack of gum for every 3 teeth I yanked out of my skull.
In all honesty, I thought the quarter made me rich so I guess it all works out. With that in mind, pennies would probably make your tyke feel like a tycoon. So start low people!
Let me give some valuable cost cutting parental advice to those who are headed down this same road. Start off low. Yea, yea, that first tooth is special, and of course its a big deal! Treat it like a big deal by all means, just don't make it worth $5! There is no going back after you've done that. What, his other teeth and the effort to yank 'em out aren't worth the same as the first one? And what about a molar? What happens then? A second mortgage?
We've really dug ourselves a hole and now can't afford a shovel to dig out with. Dylan can though!
No wonder the most I ever pulled down for a tooth was $1.00. I wonder if my parents learned a similar lesson with Eric? He probably got the $5 spot while I got the quarters. Thats cool, at least I could get a pack of gum for every 3 teeth I yanked out of my skull.
In all honesty, I thought the quarter made me rich so I guess it all works out. With that in mind, pennies would probably make your tyke feel like a tycoon. So start low people!
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Wife Makes Mockery of Victimized Man
I got home last night before the Mrs. and Jr. and so not to waste even a minute of my day. I got busy with my quest to catch the punks in action. I even went to the trouble of putting out an irresistible gargoyle and splicing it into the main line of my security system, (which really just consists of tying one string to the main one). I had my camera in hand waiting patiently. Like a spider waiting for a fly. My pulse quickening at the sound of approaching troublemakers on bikes. Well after about 45 seconds of this, I go in to read. Still very aware of my surroundings mind you. I hear a motorcycle that roars by and then nothing, that’s when the alarm sounds only its a vigorous shaking, like I actually caught one of these hoodlums. I grab my camera and head out the door. I round the bushes moving quickly but silently towards the gate, when to my surprise, the gate begins to open! I think YES! they’re coming in and making it that much easier on me, stupid punks!
Instead, its my wisenhiemer wife and kid playing a cruel joke on me. She pulled the string to see what I would do, I think she was a little surprised that I was right there camera in hand as she came through the gate. Maybe a little surprised and concerned for my mental wellbeing. Nonetheless, judging by the nearly uncontrollable burst of laughter, she was having a great time at my expense. I have to admit, if it wasn’t me it would’ve been hilarious, but it was so its NOT!
More later.
Instead, its my wisenhiemer wife and kid playing a cruel joke on me. She pulled the string to see what I would do, I think she was a little surprised that I was right there camera in hand as she came through the gate. Maybe a little surprised and concerned for my mental wellbeing. Nonetheless, judging by the nearly uncontrollable burst of laughter, she was having a great time at my expense. I have to admit, if it wasn’t me it would’ve been hilarious, but it was so its NOT!
More later.
Monday, October 24, 2005
False Alarm Stirs Eugene Family
It was a dark and foggy morning. I had already hit the Ol’ snooze button once and had every intention of hitting it again when another alarm sounded, this one raised the hairs on the back of my neck. On Saturday, Dylan and I cleverly installed a pumpkin smasher early warning detection system, or as I like to call it a P.S.E.W.D.S.
Anyone gets within 5 feet of my newly fashioned pumpkin headed scarecrow and they hit a trip wire that rings our really deep windchimes.
Well anyway, just after 6 am, it goes off. Kim says, “better go check, but put some pants on first”. Oh yea, pants. While I think that running out there butt naked would go along way toward sealing my ‘Ol’ Crazyman Morton’ persona that I try to instill in all the neighborhood kids, I think it sends the wrong message, so the desperate search for my freshly washed sweatpants ensues. Why oh why cant they be conveniently strewn across the bed like normal?
Finally I find them after what feels like a lifetime of searching. The only shirt I can come up with is an old Detroit Redwing’s shirt which I assume someone gave me to mop up cat vomit with. (Cause why else would you have one). So I go shirtless through the door, and out to confront the early rising punks. I get halfway to the gate and realize that someone put my sweatpants on backwards. CURSES! How intimidating am I going to be if I can’t even put my pants on correctly. I shake off my failure and proceed through the gate...
(pause for suspense)
...Nothing! No punks. No smashed pumpkin, nothing. I can only assume a raccoon set it off.
Well it wont be long, they have to have seen my fresh pumpkin headed scarecrow, or as I refer to him now, “Bait”. I’ll keep you all posted.
Anyone gets within 5 feet of my newly fashioned pumpkin headed scarecrow and they hit a trip wire that rings our really deep windchimes.
Well anyway, just after 6 am, it goes off. Kim says, “better go check, but put some pants on first”. Oh yea, pants. While I think that running out there butt naked would go along way toward sealing my ‘Ol’ Crazyman Morton’ persona that I try to instill in all the neighborhood kids, I think it sends the wrong message, so the desperate search for my freshly washed sweatpants ensues. Why oh why cant they be conveniently strewn across the bed like normal?
Finally I find them after what feels like a lifetime of searching. The only shirt I can come up with is an old Detroit Redwing’s shirt which I assume someone gave me to mop up cat vomit with. (Cause why else would you have one). So I go shirtless through the door, and out to confront the early rising punks. I get halfway to the gate and realize that someone put my sweatpants on backwards. CURSES! How intimidating am I going to be if I can’t even put my pants on correctly. I shake off my failure and proceed through the gate...
(pause for suspense)
...Nothing! No punks. No smashed pumpkin, nothing. I can only assume a raccoon set it off.
Well it wont be long, they have to have seen my fresh pumpkin headed scarecrow, or as I refer to him now, “Bait”. I’ll keep you all posted.
Family of Three Solve Amazing Maize Maze in Not So ‘Near Record Time
On Saturday we piled into the car for the annual pumpkin picking and kettle corn eatin’ extravaganza held at Lone Pine Farms. I love this place. Not just because we find the best pumpkins, no, not just because we get fresh warm kettlecorn, nope, but because they have the mother of all corn mazes! And its a haunted one at that. Ok, during the day its not so much haunted as it is just decorated, but at night, they bring it to life. In a couple years when Dylan can hang, he and I can go through and have the crap scared out of us. Meanwhile, its still fun to go through. This year took us 49 min. We beat our last year best time of 1:16 min. Not bad considering how complex this thing is. After the maze, we head toward the sign that reads, “Horse drawn hay ride to the pumpkin patch”, which should have read, “Welcome to the BACK of the longest, slowest moving line in history”. We stick it out because Dylan wants the horses, even though the tractor drawn hay ride line is moving at twice the speed. We get on and go pick 80 lbs worth of pumpkins. It was a good time.
This year I’m going to be the grim reaper. Same as last year, and every year before that. Although this year I have added some super creepy lookin’ cheese cloth to really send home the “just dug out of the ground” look. So I stain my cheese cloth with coffee until it looks nice and old. Thing is, even though I dried it outdoors, it really smells like coffee and I don’t want the rest of my clothes to smell like that so I hang it (and the mask) innocently from our curtain rod in the bedroom. So when you turn on the light, this 6 foot floating creepy faced vision of death is the first thing that greets you. That lasted for about 3 1/2 seconds before Kim made me take it all out to my office and hang it there. Big Baby. Anyway. The following pics illustrate our day. Enjoy.
This year I’m going to be the grim reaper. Same as last year, and every year before that. Although this year I have added some super creepy lookin’ cheese cloth to really send home the “just dug out of the ground” look. So I stain my cheese cloth with coffee until it looks nice and old. Thing is, even though I dried it outdoors, it really smells like coffee and I don’t want the rest of my clothes to smell like that so I hang it (and the mask) innocently from our curtain rod in the bedroom. So when you turn on the light, this 6 foot floating creepy faced vision of death is the first thing that greets you. That lasted for about 3 1/2 seconds before Kim made me take it all out to my office and hang it there. Big Baby. Anyway. The following pics illustrate our day. Enjoy.
Real ghost
DSC_0076LR
Originally uploaded by cmort04.
Look closely. I didn't take this, it was just there when I processed the image. hhhmmm Weird!
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Power Ball Jackpot Winner is Oregon Resident
I get a call from Shane (my brother in law) checking to see if he needs to head to work today as the biggest single winner jackpot is won and the owner of the ticket is an Orgonian. While we did purchase a couple tickets, I'm writing this from work which should tell you that I am not in fact the winning ticket holder. I didn't even get one number on either ticket! There should be a prize for being as far as possible from winning. If there was, I would be the proud ticket holder.
Although I love my job, I can think of other things to do with a cool 340 Million burning a hole in my pocket.
This does bring me to a more somber point. My company on Tuesday went through a large downsizing of employees from the administration side of the corporation, and we lost a lot of really good people. In a way I did hit the lottery in that I was not one of them. My hopes and prayers go out to all that did lose there jobs. The face of the economy is changing and I fear we haven't seen the end of such cutbacks, in fact I think this is the tip of the iceberg as they say.
On a lighter note, The neighborhood is finally starting to decorate for Halloween, so perhaps I can redo what I lost with the vandals without the punks noticing. Ther are some really cool decorations going up and I'm happy to say that they are secured with cables. Clearly these neighbors learned from my mistakes and went the extra step to protect their investment. Glad I could be an example of what not to do. Neat. (I'm still a little bitter) I can't wait until old age when I can sit on my porch in my rockin' chair with a salt gun peppering punks that step foot near my property. I can be 'Me Ol Man Morton, or The Crazy Old Bastard Down the Street. Ahhh! to dream!
I was thinking about what I might do with 340 Million, or whatever you end up with after the tax man comes trick or treating.
I think I would take my families money concerns away for good, set up a trust fund for Dylan, then go see the world. Shooting pictures the whole time.
Looks like I'm going to have to get to those dreams the hard way, by workin' for them. So I better get after it.
Although I love my job, I can think of other things to do with a cool 340 Million burning a hole in my pocket.
This does bring me to a more somber point. My company on Tuesday went through a large downsizing of employees from the administration side of the corporation, and we lost a lot of really good people. In a way I did hit the lottery in that I was not one of them. My hopes and prayers go out to all that did lose there jobs. The face of the economy is changing and I fear we haven't seen the end of such cutbacks, in fact I think this is the tip of the iceberg as they say.
On a lighter note, The neighborhood is finally starting to decorate for Halloween, so perhaps I can redo what I lost with the vandals without the punks noticing. Ther are some really cool decorations going up and I'm happy to say that they are secured with cables. Clearly these neighbors learned from my mistakes and went the extra step to protect their investment. Glad I could be an example of what not to do. Neat. (I'm still a little bitter) I can't wait until old age when I can sit on my porch in my rockin' chair with a salt gun peppering punks that step foot near my property. I can be 'Me Ol Man Morton, or The Crazy Old Bastard Down the Street. Ahhh! to dream!
I was thinking about what I might do with 340 Million, or whatever you end up with after the tax man comes trick or treating.
I think I would take my families money concerns away for good, set up a trust fund for Dylan, then go see the world. Shooting pictures the whole time.
Looks like I'm going to have to get to those dreams the hard way, by workin' for them. So I better get after it.
Friday, October 14, 2005
Honesty Sought, Innocence Lost.
It was a night that started like any other...
Dylan and I were home while Kim was at work. Everything was going great, Dinner was good. Dishes done and animals taken care of and medicated. Dylan was finishing an 80 page book that he just started 2 hours earlier. That’s right, 80 pages on his own! I was very proud of him and happy to see he chose a book over a video game. All the homework was done the night before so things were good. No school the next day so staying up a little later and waiting for mom not a big deal. We brush our teeth, floss and do a fluoride rinse and its off to bed to snuggle a bit before mom gets home to officially send him to the land of Nod. That’s when he drops a huge question on me, prefaced with the statement, “Now be really truthful with your answer” (I was scared, I new I was going to get blind sided the minute he said, “hey dad”) This is the moment Kim and I have discussed for a year now, the very question we had hoped to talk to him about before he had to ask, the question that we even went so far as to seek the advice of a professional on how to answer. The moment of truth and here I was alone (without Kim) All the things I thought I would say flashed before me as if on a Teleprompter that I couldn’t read.
The question...
and no, it wasn’t the Birds and the Bees talk, that was easy and happened a while ago. No this one was up to this point in his life, the mother of all questions...
Is Santa real? (it seems that a bunch of kids sold the Jolly Ol’ Fat Man down the river and ratted out us parents and he wanted the straight story)
Just like my kid to face the issue head-on unlike me who never really wanted to hear the answer. I was happy figuring it out and just playing along.
So I give him the truth and he quickly makes the leap from Santa to the Easter Bunny and then with tears in his eyes he looks at me, hoping against hope that he is going to hear the answer he wants, he asks if its us who give him the money for his tooth, or if there is really a tooth fairy. I thought of all the scenarios to keep this shred of innocence in tack, but in the end, I also wanted out from under the guilt of these little (yet giant) lies that every parent tells their children. Again, I gave him the truth and followed it with an explanation of how these traditions come about and how it may have to wait until he’s a father to understand them, but one day he will understand.
Thank God Kim walks into the house right about now and I explain what were talking about and she helps soften the blow by telling him that Santa, The Easter Bunny and Tooth fairy all exist, just not in the same way that he invisioned, yes it was indeed us, but there was a definite spirit of Christmas and Easter that the whole world shared and took part in and the world was a better place during this period of time every year, year after year and that to believe in the magic was to ensure that it carried on and this special time could be shared by future generations.
His feeling were still hurt and I think he feels the loss of that belief more than he let on, but in the end, I think in talking it out we all came away with a better understanding of what Santa actually is. It’s not one set a parents, its a whole group of people making up the millions of families that celebrate Christmas that keep the fires of the holiday spirit burning and alive and healthy. I came away feeling the whole thing was much less a lie and much an interactive legend that he can now help participate in, now he can be part of the club that keeps the magic alive by giving in the name of Santa as well as receiving. He in turn becomes the Santa that we all are.
You don’t have this sort of problem with Halloween, everyone can see pumpkins are real.
Well, at least the sons-a-bitches that vandalized my pumpkin headed scare crow can see they’re real. I had had my fill of these punks and was planning my revenge when the sneaking thought occurred to me in the way that life’s lessons often do (payback) that I had come full circle from my youth as the self described Undisputed Heavyweight World Champion Pumpkin Smasher (My best friends Rob and Davy sharing the crown of course). In my teens, I was a shrewd pumpkin hunter. That’s right, my filthy secret is out!
I still to this day am saddened by the fact that no hoodlums have smashed any of my pumpkins in recent years, I began to experience L.P.S.E. (low pumpkin self esteem) I even stooped so low as to smash my beautiful brides pumpkin with a well thrown rock from 50 feet out. It was a wonderful shot that the neighbor kid little Reggie took credit for all these years, Ok, I blamed him flat out although I suspect she knew all along that I was the culprit. I suspect this because, well, I think she actually saw me do it. Neither here nor there, the pumpkin was demolished and my crown stood.
However!
I never stole, or destroyed a decoration other than the pumpkin. I had respect for people’s property, sure I might re-arrange the skeleton and the scarecrow to amuse myself and friends, but I wouldn’t steal one and tear the face out of the other. How could I and feel good about myself? What’s clever or funny in that? I’ll tell you what.
Nothing!
That’s what.
I may have to come up with a plan to scare the bejesus out of these kids, one that will get them peddling as fast as they can, one that’s sure to have them shaking a turd out of the bottom of their pants, questioning my sanity and the wisdom of messing with my yard in the future, all this without inviting more problems involving eggs and toilet paper. I don’t know if such a plan exists, but I enjoy thinking of the possibilities and with today’s sue happy culture, I may have to let the junior terrorists win. They may win this battle, but I will win the war. (at least in my own head)
At any rate, this is a long winded apology to all those who’s pumpkins had the misfortune of crossing my destructive path.
Dylan and I were home while Kim was at work. Everything was going great, Dinner was good. Dishes done and animals taken care of and medicated. Dylan was finishing an 80 page book that he just started 2 hours earlier. That’s right, 80 pages on his own! I was very proud of him and happy to see he chose a book over a video game. All the homework was done the night before so things were good. No school the next day so staying up a little later and waiting for mom not a big deal. We brush our teeth, floss and do a fluoride rinse and its off to bed to snuggle a bit before mom gets home to officially send him to the land of Nod. That’s when he drops a huge question on me, prefaced with the statement, “Now be really truthful with your answer” (I was scared, I new I was going to get blind sided the minute he said, “hey dad”) This is the moment Kim and I have discussed for a year now, the very question we had hoped to talk to him about before he had to ask, the question that we even went so far as to seek the advice of a professional on how to answer. The moment of truth and here I was alone (without Kim) All the things I thought I would say flashed before me as if on a Teleprompter that I couldn’t read.
The question...
and no, it wasn’t the Birds and the Bees talk, that was easy and happened a while ago. No this one was up to this point in his life, the mother of all questions...
Is Santa real? (it seems that a bunch of kids sold the Jolly Ol’ Fat Man down the river and ratted out us parents and he wanted the straight story)
Just like my kid to face the issue head-on unlike me who never really wanted to hear the answer. I was happy figuring it out and just playing along.
So I give him the truth and he quickly makes the leap from Santa to the Easter Bunny and then with tears in his eyes he looks at me, hoping against hope that he is going to hear the answer he wants, he asks if its us who give him the money for his tooth, or if there is really a tooth fairy. I thought of all the scenarios to keep this shred of innocence in tack, but in the end, I also wanted out from under the guilt of these little (yet giant) lies that every parent tells their children. Again, I gave him the truth and followed it with an explanation of how these traditions come about and how it may have to wait until he’s a father to understand them, but one day he will understand.
Thank God Kim walks into the house right about now and I explain what were talking about and she helps soften the blow by telling him that Santa, The Easter Bunny and Tooth fairy all exist, just not in the same way that he invisioned, yes it was indeed us, but there was a definite spirit of Christmas and Easter that the whole world shared and took part in and the world was a better place during this period of time every year, year after year and that to believe in the magic was to ensure that it carried on and this special time could be shared by future generations.
His feeling were still hurt and I think he feels the loss of that belief more than he let on, but in the end, I think in talking it out we all came away with a better understanding of what Santa actually is. It’s not one set a parents, its a whole group of people making up the millions of families that celebrate Christmas that keep the fires of the holiday spirit burning and alive and healthy. I came away feeling the whole thing was much less a lie and much an interactive legend that he can now help participate in, now he can be part of the club that keeps the magic alive by giving in the name of Santa as well as receiving. He in turn becomes the Santa that we all are.
You don’t have this sort of problem with Halloween, everyone can see pumpkins are real.
Well, at least the sons-a-bitches that vandalized my pumpkin headed scare crow can see they’re real. I had had my fill of these punks and was planning my revenge when the sneaking thought occurred to me in the way that life’s lessons often do (payback) that I had come full circle from my youth as the self described Undisputed Heavyweight World Champion Pumpkin Smasher (My best friends Rob and Davy sharing the crown of course). In my teens, I was a shrewd pumpkin hunter. That’s right, my filthy secret is out!
I still to this day am saddened by the fact that no hoodlums have smashed any of my pumpkins in recent years, I began to experience L.P.S.E. (low pumpkin self esteem) I even stooped so low as to smash my beautiful brides pumpkin with a well thrown rock from 50 feet out. It was a wonderful shot that the neighbor kid little Reggie took credit for all these years, Ok, I blamed him flat out although I suspect she knew all along that I was the culprit. I suspect this because, well, I think she actually saw me do it. Neither here nor there, the pumpkin was demolished and my crown stood.
However!
I never stole, or destroyed a decoration other than the pumpkin. I had respect for people’s property, sure I might re-arrange the skeleton and the scarecrow to amuse myself and friends, but I wouldn’t steal one and tear the face out of the other. How could I and feel good about myself? What’s clever or funny in that? I’ll tell you what.
Nothing!
That’s what.
I may have to come up with a plan to scare the bejesus out of these kids, one that will get them peddling as fast as they can, one that’s sure to have them shaking a turd out of the bottom of their pants, questioning my sanity and the wisdom of messing with my yard in the future, all this without inviting more problems involving eggs and toilet paper. I don’t know if such a plan exists, but I enjoy thinking of the possibilities and with today’s sue happy culture, I may have to let the junior terrorists win. They may win this battle, but I will win the war. (at least in my own head)
At any rate, this is a long winded apology to all those who’s pumpkins had the misfortune of crossing my destructive path.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Introducing Hunter/Stinker (we can't decide)
This is our latest addition to the Morton Times Staff. He comes to us from parts unknown but appeared wet, soggy and a little hungry in my driveway. After what seemed like an endless bowl of cat food, he decided this was going to be his new stomping grounds. (wise choice considering the man of the house is a giant sucker, ME!) Thats right, this one is all mine. He had me at meow. We got him shots and kept our eyes out for missing cat posters with his mug on them, when nothing turned up, we fixed him and introduced him to the rest of the farm. They all get along now, uh ok, that might be a stretch, but they all put up with one another just fine. He loves nothing more than to hunt the other cats, even Simon who dwarfs him. Simon will put up with it for awhile, but when he's had his fill, Stinker gets both barrels of Simon. Its fun to watch. The only thing he likes more than picking on the other cats, is mugging for the camera, he LOVES IT! as you can see.
Upon seeing Stinker grab the spotlight, Sammy had to get in on the action. He knows theres not a camera made that doesn't love him and he's always the first volunteer for a photo op. What a ham!
Upon seeing Stinker grab the spotlight, Sammy had to get in on the action. He knows theres not a camera made that doesn't love him and he's always the first volunteer for a photo op. What a ham!
Tae Kwon Do Champion Collects Gold & Bronze
This weekend brought a flurry of fists, board breaks and back kicks as the Tae Kwon Do tournament rolled through Monroe. It was a fun filled day of watching kids through adults test there mettle against each other and themselves as they demonstrate their ability to kick the crap out of one another. It was Dylan’s first tournament and he did very well as evidenced by his collection of medals. First was his gold metal, earning him the coveted title of champion of his division. The event: board breaking. While the other kids chose to break their board with a side kick, or a back kick, my kid goes for the “flying” sidekick. Which is pretty tough. He has to run and jump over a kid (the flying part) while in classic flying kick formation, then break the board and land in a pose ready for more action. He is judged on not only his ability to break the board, but also his form and landing. This complicated kick has a difficulty degree of +2 which means you multiply the judges points by 2, This put him light years above his competition, even though it took 2 tries to break the board. I was very proud of not only his accomplishment, but the guts it took to pick such a tough kick in front of a gymnasium full of people.
From there, we join our young champion in the sparring ring. It’s his first time sparring outside the classroom and I had my reservations, but he wanted to do it and Master Martin felt he was ready. I think I was more concerned for the other kids safety as this was also the first time Kim watched him spar. I had visions of her running into the ring and pummeling the other kid for kicking her son. She did good too though. If they handed out medals for most restrained parent, we would have two champions in the house. As the saying goes, nothings easy right? Well Dylan ends up in the wrong weight class when they split the division. So now he gets to spar kids much bigger than him. I missed the first match, but he seemed to come through it ok. Lost by a point but not too beat up. The next match I watched from ringside and it was way tough to watch. This kid was pounding him. but then Dylan gets in a back kick that not only scores him a point, it takes the wind right out of the kids sails. Dylan gets kicked in the chin and the groin, but hangs in there and keeps kicking and punching. He’s upset and hurt but keeps managing to score on the kid. They end up 4/3 other kid. Dylan is pretty upset and didn’t enjoy being kicked in the face or groin, but I’m giving him a hug and telling him how proud I am of him. We get him out of his pads only to be called right back up for another match.
The opposing kid is a good foot taller and doesn’t seem too concerned with our little hero. So I tell myself this is what the tournament is about and I flash back to my wrestling days and how much I hated the tournaments and being bent into a pretzel by bigger stronger more knowledgeable kids.
They get to sparring and Dylan is holding his own and then some. The kid scores and Dylan comes right back and evens it, this goes on for awhile and in the last few seconds, Dylan hammers him with a spinning back kick and takes the match and the kids unbeaten streak and heads to the podium to collect his bronze metal. I was very impressed.
From there, we join our young champion in the sparring ring. It’s his first time sparring outside the classroom and I had my reservations, but he wanted to do it and Master Martin felt he was ready. I think I was more concerned for the other kids safety as this was also the first time Kim watched him spar. I had visions of her running into the ring and pummeling the other kid for kicking her son. She did good too though. If they handed out medals for most restrained parent, we would have two champions in the house. As the saying goes, nothings easy right? Well Dylan ends up in the wrong weight class when they split the division. So now he gets to spar kids much bigger than him. I missed the first match, but he seemed to come through it ok. Lost by a point but not too beat up. The next match I watched from ringside and it was way tough to watch. This kid was pounding him. but then Dylan gets in a back kick that not only scores him a point, it takes the wind right out of the kids sails. Dylan gets kicked in the chin and the groin, but hangs in there and keeps kicking and punching. He’s upset and hurt but keeps managing to score on the kid. They end up 4/3 other kid. Dylan is pretty upset and didn’t enjoy being kicked in the face or groin, but I’m giving him a hug and telling him how proud I am of him. We get him out of his pads only to be called right back up for another match.
The opposing kid is a good foot taller and doesn’t seem too concerned with our little hero. So I tell myself this is what the tournament is about and I flash back to my wrestling days and how much I hated the tournaments and being bent into a pretzel by bigger stronger more knowledgeable kids.
They get to sparring and Dylan is holding his own and then some. The kid scores and Dylan comes right back and evens it, this goes on for awhile and in the last few seconds, Dylan hammers him with a spinning back kick and takes the match and the kids unbeaten streak and heads to the podium to collect his bronze metal. I was very impressed.
Friday, October 07, 2005
Former Eugene Man Celebrates Birthday With Mom!
Former Eugene resident Shane sailed into another year aboard the SS Happy Birthday! On board was Karen Hesselberg. Happy birthday to you both! Doesn't get an cheesier than this, but if it does, Wisconsin's the state to be in! (I really should write for the Inquirer or someting)
Karmic Curse Befalls Eugene Thief!
Thief is the pc term used for the bastard that stole my hanging skeleton Halloween decoration. Believe you me, the language was a little saltier when I discovered the crime. Stealing holiday decorations, as anyone knows is a first class ticket on the bad karma expressway, and if that alone were not enough, I put a pre-emptive curse on anyone that dare steal it as it was very cool and hard for punks to resist. The rope for instance was an old sisal barn rope with an authentic hangman's noose with the classic 7 coils that give it it's distinctive look. The other end was not just a loose, uncared for unraveling mess either, no, it was a work of beauty. Finished with a crown knot and lovingly backbraided into itself then secured with a sailmakers whipping. All of which is now hanging in some punks room no doubt. Being forced to listen to god awful skater punk music while he hangs with an unlit cigarrette in his mouth. Well one thing they can't steal is the good time Dylan and I had hanging him. Dylan on the fence animating him for the passing cars. Me tying a rock to the end and throwing it over the high branch, trying not to hit Dylan on the noggen on the way down and knocking him off said fence. No, they can't take that away and it was a good day! October 1st. The first day of the Halloween season, we were on it! We had the yard decorated before noon. Light years before the neighbors even thought of dusting off their Halloween decorations. Ok, its a little awkward being the only house on the street with decorations out, but this is my month! I wont let this bog me down, I'll distribute the above flyer via the telephone poles on our street. It will not only warn the perp of the curse, but give dog walkers something else to look at instead of the Missing Cat poster that has currently hogged the telephone pole messaging system for the past 3 months. If I don't get it back, I pity the poor soul who swiped him for the curse is one of great horror, the likes of which will not be forgotten anytime soon. For its a curse of small annoyances. Thats right, i.e, a tiny rock under the front wheel of the downhill bound skateboard, or the unanswered prayers of there being an extra roll of toilet paper behind the closed cabinet door, you get the idea.
I'll keep you all updated.
I'll keep you all updated.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Eugene Man Baffled by Passage of Time!
Wow, has it really been 4 months since my last post? That is unacceptable and lame. My apologies to whoever might be reading this. Since my last post, a lot has happened, this biggest thing being summer.
With summer of course comes vacations and camping trips and plenty of time spent swinging in the hammock dreaming, literally. I start off with grand delusions of hours reading in my hammock, only to wake up 20 minutes later at the urging of Mrs. Morton Times to mow the lawn.
This years vacation was spent along the Oregon coast in a rented beach house with the family. It was time well spent. Jim and Karen Hesselberg, Shane, Des and Brett Hesselberg were all there. We ate good food and saw a lot of neat places. Near the end, we got to watch a Lincoln Town car commercial being made. Helicopters, film crew and long traffic lines, the works. It was neat to see. Kim started a new job working for another engineering firm downtown. Still doing the books on the side for Obsidian Technologies. We started exploring the Columbia River Gorge in all its glory, on both the Oregon and Washington sides. What a beautiful chunk of America.
On a sad note, Hondo. One or our beloved dogs passed away. She lived a good and full life and is missed terribly, when I go, I can only hope for the same. Coyote isn’t doing great either but she still hangs in there and gets excited about the morning walk every morning. Speaking of which, Jazzy loves the walk. She gets to go on two. One with Kim, and Coyote, then with me for an extended walk through and around the neighborhood. We have recently altered our route in favor of the Sheldon High school campus. For one, no cars. Two, lots of other dogs for her to sniff out and three and no doubt best of all, she can go off leash in the fenced area and chase the seagulls. She better hope she never has to rely on catching them to survive because she doesn’t even come close! Not even to the fat ones that feed on the McDonalds garbage left by the high school kids. From here out, they will be referred to as McSeagulls. If she ever did catch one, I believe she’ll know what to do with it. She loves her some chicken and I’m betting that’s exactly what one of those feathery french fry mongers taste like. Although Jazzy likes her chicken cooked. I imagine biting into a live one is like biting into that gum that explodes juice in your mouth. Disgusting at first, yet delicious at the same time. I’ll keep you all posted on the McSeagull population and if Jazzy can put a dent in it.
Sorry for the lack of activity lately. See you all in another 4 months! (I jokes)
With summer of course comes vacations and camping trips and plenty of time spent swinging in the hammock dreaming, literally. I start off with grand delusions of hours reading in my hammock, only to wake up 20 minutes later at the urging of Mrs. Morton Times to mow the lawn.
This years vacation was spent along the Oregon coast in a rented beach house with the family. It was time well spent. Jim and Karen Hesselberg, Shane, Des and Brett Hesselberg were all there. We ate good food and saw a lot of neat places. Near the end, we got to watch a Lincoln Town car commercial being made. Helicopters, film crew and long traffic lines, the works. It was neat to see. Kim started a new job working for another engineering firm downtown. Still doing the books on the side for Obsidian Technologies. We started exploring the Columbia River Gorge in all its glory, on both the Oregon and Washington sides. What a beautiful chunk of America.
On a sad note, Hondo. One or our beloved dogs passed away. She lived a good and full life and is missed terribly, when I go, I can only hope for the same. Coyote isn’t doing great either but she still hangs in there and gets excited about the morning walk every morning. Speaking of which, Jazzy loves the walk. She gets to go on two. One with Kim, and Coyote, then with me for an extended walk through and around the neighborhood. We have recently altered our route in favor of the Sheldon High school campus. For one, no cars. Two, lots of other dogs for her to sniff out and three and no doubt best of all, she can go off leash in the fenced area and chase the seagulls. She better hope she never has to rely on catching them to survive because she doesn’t even come close! Not even to the fat ones that feed on the McDonalds garbage left by the high school kids. From here out, they will be referred to as McSeagulls. If she ever did catch one, I believe she’ll know what to do with it. She loves her some chicken and I’m betting that’s exactly what one of those feathery french fry mongers taste like. Although Jazzy likes her chicken cooked. I imagine biting into a live one is like biting into that gum that explodes juice in your mouth. Disgusting at first, yet delicious at the same time. I’ll keep you all posted on the McSeagull population and if Jazzy can put a dent in it.
Sorry for the lack of activity lately. See you all in another 4 months! (I jokes)
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