APRIL 2006
Originally uploaded by cmort04.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Get Your e-calendars Hot Off The Virtual Press!
Since I'm never going to get my website up and running, I have opted to offer my calendars on the blog. "Great idea" you say? "Why has it taken you nearly a year and a half of doing them to figure this out" you ask, the answer, I'm not very smart. But all thats changed and you may now send me your email address and in return, like your phone bill, I will send you a calendar every month on or before the 1st, only unlike your phone bill, I will not nickle and dime you into hating this service. So sign up now! And if you can't seem to navigate the comments section of this blog then here is my email address. cmort04@yahoo.com.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
I Break More By 9 AM Than Most Do All Day
I left the house this morning kind of annoyed. It seems that everything I touched slipped out of my hands, or, I ended up knocking over instead of grabbing. It all started in the shower when I reached for the porcelain soap dispenser that I slaved over at Brush Fire (pottery place) one day when we first moved here, tragically this would be the last time soap would be dispensed from with in it closed container of a body, seems that there was some dried soap on the outside and once wet, became too slippery for me to handle. It's body is not so much like a closed container anymore. And to make matters worse, it was full of soap that I now get to clean up so the next person (who happens to be my wife) doesn’t slip and brain herself on the shower spout. I pause briefly and try to think if our life insurance is caught up, not coming to a satisfactory conclusion, I start cleaning up the slippery glass shard infected anti-bacterial mess. Since my hands are now slippery, I can’t get a grip on the big cup I’ve elected to use in the cleanup, and I send it bouncing around the tub with a maddening loudness that I didn’t think was possible. As it turns out, my shower is engineered perfectly to capture the acoustics and amplify them dramatically. More pissed than before, I move to pick it up and drop my towel in the mix. Super pissed now. I feel challenged by a higher power to beat this situation and come out the winner. Yet I can’t help but feel that I’m being toyed with yet thankful I’m not in the prison bathhouse when all this goes down.
I get it all cleaned up and break the news to my wife. I conceal my soap dispenser breakage in a warning that she should be careful upon entering the shower due to slippery-ness and then mention briefly that I fumbled my beautifully hand crafted (well, hand painted anyway) soap dispenser and its now part of the lineup of things I have recently broken, namely her favorite little ceramic plant pot this weekend. Within minutes of her telling me it was her favorite, I knocked it off its perch and sent it crashing. This looked particularly bad because I was in a pissy mood and not being as gentle in my moving stuff as I should’ve been, coupled with the fact that I now knew that this was her favorite pot. Didn’t look good for me claiming an accident so I uttered some choice curse words to prove my disgust with myself and to prove it was not intentional. So with all that behind me and clear-sailing ahead, I drive to work. Here is where I notice a peculiar trend that doubtlessly has been around as long at there have been power lines, or shoelaces, whichever came first. You guessed it, its the trend where some punk-ass kids take another kids shoes, tie them together and chuck them over the power line to become what seems a permanent addition to said line. I’ve noticed these two pair for sometime and I’m used to seeing them and shaking my head at the poor bastard whose had to walk home shoe-less twice and explain to his mom or dad why he lost yet another pair of shoes, well that poor bastard had to do it all over again because there is a 3rd pair now. I wonder how many tries it takes to nail it. Then I think, why are the still up there? Why won’t the city cut them down? Is it to tricky or perhaps not cost effective? I often think about this (sad to say) and wonder what would happen if you tried to knock them down with a long wooden stick, would the line arc and reduce me to ashes, I assume it will and leave it at that. In my travels, I often see people that I think are funny looking, today was no exception. While driving slowly through Coburg, I see a guy that bears a striking resemblance to Bozo the clown only without the red locks. He does however have the long hair on the sides of his head and a shiny bald path down the middle, you know the kind, it looks like somebody ran a lawn mower right down the middle then polished it. I cleverly nickname him “Patches” chuckle to myself and move on satisfied that my morning is turning a corner onto a more positive stretch.
I get it all cleaned up and break the news to my wife. I conceal my soap dispenser breakage in a warning that she should be careful upon entering the shower due to slippery-ness and then mention briefly that I fumbled my beautifully hand crafted (well, hand painted anyway) soap dispenser and its now part of the lineup of things I have recently broken, namely her favorite little ceramic plant pot this weekend. Within minutes of her telling me it was her favorite, I knocked it off its perch and sent it crashing. This looked particularly bad because I was in a pissy mood and not being as gentle in my moving stuff as I should’ve been, coupled with the fact that I now knew that this was her favorite pot. Didn’t look good for me claiming an accident so I uttered some choice curse words to prove my disgust with myself and to prove it was not intentional. So with all that behind me and clear-sailing ahead, I drive to work. Here is where I notice a peculiar trend that doubtlessly has been around as long at there have been power lines, or shoelaces, whichever came first. You guessed it, its the trend where some punk-ass kids take another kids shoes, tie them together and chuck them over the power line to become what seems a permanent addition to said line. I’ve noticed these two pair for sometime and I’m used to seeing them and shaking my head at the poor bastard whose had to walk home shoe-less twice and explain to his mom or dad why he lost yet another pair of shoes, well that poor bastard had to do it all over again because there is a 3rd pair now. I wonder how many tries it takes to nail it. Then I think, why are the still up there? Why won’t the city cut them down? Is it to tricky or perhaps not cost effective? I often think about this (sad to say) and wonder what would happen if you tried to knock them down with a long wooden stick, would the line arc and reduce me to ashes, I assume it will and leave it at that. In my travels, I often see people that I think are funny looking, today was no exception. While driving slowly through Coburg, I see a guy that bears a striking resemblance to Bozo the clown only without the red locks. He does however have the long hair on the sides of his head and a shiny bald path down the middle, you know the kind, it looks like somebody ran a lawn mower right down the middle then polished it. I cleverly nickname him “Patches” chuckle to myself and move on satisfied that my morning is turning a corner onto a more positive stretch.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Banana Blight, Quite a Plight
A couple years ago I had an ant guy come out and spray around my house to get rid of the pesky and persistent little fellas. This guy was an interesting cat to say the least. Besides dragging me underneath the house to look at crap, he bent my ear for nearly 30 minutes on how bananas are going the way of the Dodo, that’s right, extinct. As soon as I heard this I immediately began telling myself what a nutbag this guy was and that perhaps he’s standing up wind from his ant spray, or that he’s just plain “bananas” Ha ha. He went on and on about how they are sterile (bananas), at least the kind they export and that a fungus is decimating the crops to such a degree that we will find ourselves banana-less within 10 years, (again I snicker using my “inside voice” and feel better about myself for not being as nuts as this guy) He has even gone so far as to grow his own bananas in his apartment. “What a dipstick” I think.
So here we are, several years later and closer to the time when banana cream pie will have to be enjoyed as a memory, becuase as it turns out, he was dead on the money! I did a little research this morning and everything he said was true! (don’t ask why it took 2 years for me to get interested in this) There is a fungus that is destroying bananas left and right. And it looks like all 500 species are affected, of course the hardest hit is the one we eat the most of. And it is in fact a sterile seedless variety. This is a huge problem, aside from it being the main export crop for many countries and the number one dietary staple amongst the people of those countries, it is also something I really like, its handy as a snack, tasty in cereal, when they get too mushy to eat, no problem, you simply have your wife make banana bread with them, problem solved. Now are you with me? Are you on the “Save the Bananas” wagon? I thought so.
You may be sitting there stunned with a feeling of hopelessness as I was. Or you may say to me, “Colin, what can I do to help make sure this doesn’t happen?” And I would say, “beats me. If a bunch of qualified scientists from all over the world can't figure it out, what makes you think you can”. My advice is to enjoy them while they last and while your at it, enjoy the comic hy-jinx of monkeys in various commercials because following on the heels of bananas will surly be monkeys right? What will they eat. Oh, and say goodbye to the Ol’ Banana-peel-on-the-ground trick that will without fail, send your target slip sliding ass over applecart to the pure delight of onlookers. I make light of this with a little humor, but really, it will suck. I eat them everyday and have recently taken to making, or at least assembling, banana cream pies and puddings. To learn more about the plight of the banana, google banana/extinct and up will come more info than you can shake a bushel at. Anyway, my apologies crazy ant killing guy.
In other news, Dylan’s basketball team took the first place championship after a very exciting last game. Now its on to baseball and yes, its really on already. The team practices 4 nights a week, at least until games start next month. He also was in a Tae Kwon Doe tourney this past weekend and one a gold, silver and bronze.
So here we are, several years later and closer to the time when banana cream pie will have to be enjoyed as a memory, becuase as it turns out, he was dead on the money! I did a little research this morning and everything he said was true! (don’t ask why it took 2 years for me to get interested in this) There is a fungus that is destroying bananas left and right. And it looks like all 500 species are affected, of course the hardest hit is the one we eat the most of. And it is in fact a sterile seedless variety. This is a huge problem, aside from it being the main export crop for many countries and the number one dietary staple amongst the people of those countries, it is also something I really like, its handy as a snack, tasty in cereal, when they get too mushy to eat, no problem, you simply have your wife make banana bread with them, problem solved. Now are you with me? Are you on the “Save the Bananas” wagon? I thought so.
You may be sitting there stunned with a feeling of hopelessness as I was. Or you may say to me, “Colin, what can I do to help make sure this doesn’t happen?” And I would say, “beats me. If a bunch of qualified scientists from all over the world can't figure it out, what makes you think you can”. My advice is to enjoy them while they last and while your at it, enjoy the comic hy-jinx of monkeys in various commercials because following on the heels of bananas will surly be monkeys right? What will they eat. Oh, and say goodbye to the Ol’ Banana-peel-on-the-ground trick that will without fail, send your target slip sliding ass over applecart to the pure delight of onlookers. I make light of this with a little humor, but really, it will suck. I eat them everyday and have recently taken to making, or at least assembling, banana cream pies and puddings. To learn more about the plight of the banana, google banana/extinct and up will come more info than you can shake a bushel at. Anyway, my apologies crazy ant killing guy.
In other news, Dylan’s basketball team took the first place championship after a very exciting last game. Now its on to baseball and yes, its really on already. The team practices 4 nights a week, at least until games start next month. He also was in a Tae Kwon Doe tourney this past weekend and one a gold, silver and bronze.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Eugene Man Driven to Brink of Insanity, Leaves Lunch Early
I have a pet peeve, and its a BIG ONE, so if your a gum chewing enthusiast, I suggest you leave and go to the Wriggley’s site and sit this one out.
I’m gonna lay it all out for you. Lay it on the line as they say. Here goes:
I eat my lunch and read afterwords, I choose not to further the Ozone depleting greenhouse gases or line an Oilmans pockets with cash any more than I absolutely have to, so I eat at work in the lunch room, my little part to save the world right? I clean up after myself, leave it nicer than when I found it etc. All I ask in return is a little peace in which to enjoy my hour. A pretty fair trade if you ask me. Well in the last week, one girl in particular has discovered how much she enjoys chewing gum and talking nonstop as she does it, thereby trapping little bubbles that she takes so much joy in popping after damn near every break in her otherwise nonstop yammering. Maybe she has always done this, its entirely possible that now that I’m aware of it, its ALL I hear. The following is a snippet of the typical conversation she is having: (which may seem one sided, but its not, nobody can get a word in edgewise.)
“What are you having for lunch” GIRL: Oh, I’m having a bowl of soup, (pop,pop) and its delicious, (pop, pop) you should (pop) try it (pop,pop), I (pop) made (pop, pop, pop) myself (pop) Pop pop pippity F’n Pop
I’m not even exaggerating (very much) By the time I realized that I’ve read the same page 3 times because I can’t concentrate, I got up and left early before I got a case of the temporary insanities and ended up on CNN.
This is nothing new to me. I have long wished that chewing gum would be looked upon in society in the same light as smoking crack or purse snatching from defenseless old ladies. But so far it would appear that I stand alone. Sure, its tasty, I have to give it that. Its benefits stop there as far as I’m concerned. I either have to hear it, accidentally brush against it stuck to the underside of a table, or clean it off my shoe or tire. I hate it. If and when I become leader of something, I will banish it from existence, I won’t have to pick up the little wrappers, or those tiny red ribbons employed to open the cursed pack, gone will be the chewed to death gum spit into the urinal that I have to avoid peeing on for fear of splash back and I will be able to have a conversation with whoever I want where as now I have to avoid them like a cockroach does light. I’m not sorry if your one of these offensive gum chewers either, in fact, I hope you get your feelers hurt and it encourages you to kick the habit, take up smoking if you need to, anything but forcing me to listen to, clean up after or avoid peeing on is good in my book.
I think this is as good a post as any to ask for your pet peeves, that’s right viewers, get in on the action, vent your frustration to literally tens of people who read this. It’ll make you feel good.
I’m gonna lay it all out for you. Lay it on the line as they say. Here goes:
I eat my lunch and read afterwords, I choose not to further the Ozone depleting greenhouse gases or line an Oilmans pockets with cash any more than I absolutely have to, so I eat at work in the lunch room, my little part to save the world right? I clean up after myself, leave it nicer than when I found it etc. All I ask in return is a little peace in which to enjoy my hour. A pretty fair trade if you ask me. Well in the last week, one girl in particular has discovered how much she enjoys chewing gum and talking nonstop as she does it, thereby trapping little bubbles that she takes so much joy in popping after damn near every break in her otherwise nonstop yammering. Maybe she has always done this, its entirely possible that now that I’m aware of it, its ALL I hear. The following is a snippet of the typical conversation she is having: (which may seem one sided, but its not, nobody can get a word in edgewise.)
“What are you having for lunch” GIRL: Oh, I’m having a bowl of soup, (pop,pop) and its delicious, (pop, pop) you should (pop) try it (pop,pop), I (pop) made (pop, pop, pop) myself (pop) Pop pop pippity F’n Pop
I’m not even exaggerating (very much) By the time I realized that I’ve read the same page 3 times because I can’t concentrate, I got up and left early before I got a case of the temporary insanities and ended up on CNN.
This is nothing new to me. I have long wished that chewing gum would be looked upon in society in the same light as smoking crack or purse snatching from defenseless old ladies. But so far it would appear that I stand alone. Sure, its tasty, I have to give it that. Its benefits stop there as far as I’m concerned. I either have to hear it, accidentally brush against it stuck to the underside of a table, or clean it off my shoe or tire. I hate it. If and when I become leader of something, I will banish it from existence, I won’t have to pick up the little wrappers, or those tiny red ribbons employed to open the cursed pack, gone will be the chewed to death gum spit into the urinal that I have to avoid peeing on for fear of splash back and I will be able to have a conversation with whoever I want where as now I have to avoid them like a cockroach does light. I’m not sorry if your one of these offensive gum chewers either, in fact, I hope you get your feelers hurt and it encourages you to kick the habit, take up smoking if you need to, anything but forcing me to listen to, clean up after or avoid peeing on is good in my book.
I think this is as good a post as any to ask for your pet peeves, that’s right viewers, get in on the action, vent your frustration to literally tens of people who read this. It’ll make you feel good.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
170,000 Lightyears Never Looked So Good
For those of you that know that a light year is “a long way” but were never really sure what that measurement meant or how it came about, you’ve come to the right place. If there is one thing I love its talking about light-years. But before we get into all that, go to www.space.com and check out the Hubble telescopes ‘Best of’ pics and then we’ll talk.....Quickly please....
Ok so now that your back, I assume your in awe of what you saw. Yea, me too. Seeing what exists in space tells me that there is an order to our world that is utterly incomprehensible to our pea brains. Not only that, but its so immense that we can’t actually see it because we are either right in the middle as a piece of space dust, or its just so incredibly far away that there is no hope of being exposed to it through anything other than this Hubble gadget. I don’t want to get into a religious conversation here, not even for a second, but I think there is without a doubt something so beyond us at work in the heavens. Not sure what and don’t want to hear how sure you think you are of who and what it might be. My only intention here is to send you to look at these photos. They are amazing. Now, with that said, lets get back to the meat of this post. Light-years. It goes like this..
ahem..
Light travels at 186,000 miles per second so when you do the math, without fail you will come to a year that totals 5,865,696,000,000. For those who get the tens column mixed up with the hundreds etc, I’m going to spell it out. One light year is five trillion, eight hundred sixty five billion, six hundred ninety six million miles. (As the crow flies of course) The Pin Wheel Galaxy as featured in the photos from the HubbleCam is 170,000 light-years across. Hard...no, impossible to imagine when looking at its grace and beauty as photographed by the Hubble. How can something so enormous be in complete and undeniably perfect form with all the chaos in the universe? Beats me, that’s why I suspect something bigger than what we have the capability to comprehend and that something probably doesn’t care what our political agenda may be when we say the crazy things that we as humans say, like god is punishing New Orleans for its this or its that, the list goes on. My point is if you can’t even begin to understand a fraction of what this higher power is up to, how is it that you were able to puzzle out what it was thinking, much less place blame on others for things that happen within our tiny solar system? I will never understand that, but I find it endlessly entertaining none-the-less. Actually, my whole purpose in writing about lightyears was to put into perspective how long it takes me in to update my blog. Pretty darn quick if you ask me.
Ok so now that your back, I assume your in awe of what you saw. Yea, me too. Seeing what exists in space tells me that there is an order to our world that is utterly incomprehensible to our pea brains. Not only that, but its so immense that we can’t actually see it because we are either right in the middle as a piece of space dust, or its just so incredibly far away that there is no hope of being exposed to it through anything other than this Hubble gadget. I don’t want to get into a religious conversation here, not even for a second, but I think there is without a doubt something so beyond us at work in the heavens. Not sure what and don’t want to hear how sure you think you are of who and what it might be. My only intention here is to send you to look at these photos. They are amazing. Now, with that said, lets get back to the meat of this post. Light-years. It goes like this..
ahem..
Light travels at 186,000 miles per second so when you do the math, without fail you will come to a year that totals 5,865,696,000,000. For those who get the tens column mixed up with the hundreds etc, I’m going to spell it out. One light year is five trillion, eight hundred sixty five billion, six hundred ninety six million miles. (As the crow flies of course) The Pin Wheel Galaxy as featured in the photos from the HubbleCam is 170,000 light-years across. Hard...no, impossible to imagine when looking at its grace and beauty as photographed by the Hubble. How can something so enormous be in complete and undeniably perfect form with all the chaos in the universe? Beats me, that’s why I suspect something bigger than what we have the capability to comprehend and that something probably doesn’t care what our political agenda may be when we say the crazy things that we as humans say, like god is punishing New Orleans for its this or its that, the list goes on. My point is if you can’t even begin to understand a fraction of what this higher power is up to, how is it that you were able to puzzle out what it was thinking, much less place blame on others for things that happen within our tiny solar system? I will never understand that, but I find it endlessly entertaining none-the-less. Actually, my whole purpose in writing about lightyears was to put into perspective how long it takes me in to update my blog. Pretty darn quick if you ask me.
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