Eugene Man Suffers Vandals Wrath.

A few of you may remember a few posts back, I vented my frustration regarding a particularly annoying gum chewing co-worker that chased me from the lunchroom with her non-stop gum popping...Well no sooner had I pushed the ‘publish post’ button on my blog, than I had a few choice words in my comments section, bravely posted anonymously from what I can only guess is a little known secret society of angry gum chewers, a ‘sisterhood’ no doubt. Well one such messenger threatened me with some pretty strong language as it relates to attacking my vehicle or my walkway with a freshly chewed piece of gooey hatred. Well, the perp was patient for sure, but (she) followed through. Allow me to set the scene for you...

There I was, hooking up my CB radio to my new antenna, (thats right, I have a CB, Its my only entertainment as I don’t have a radio in my truck) I had an old antenna, but it was ripped off my truck by a low flying branch, so I got a new one and was feverishly drilling the proper size holes in my truck to mount the bracket, I say feverishly because I had recently and without foresight, packed and shipped my drill bits to their new home, a storage facility somewhere in America’s Heartland. However, I found a stray that was half the size I needed, and with a little finesse, I, like any guy, made it work. Well upon completing my task and pulling my head from under the hood, quite satisfied with my craftsmanship by the way, I notice something out of the corner of my eye, something that I instinctively knew wasn't right, something that didn't come stock on my truck, or even as an after market upgrade. In fact, it wasn't an upgrade at all! It was however light green, sweet smelling and sun dried to my WINDOW!! Thats right, someone took there devilish treat, and stuck it right on the window of my camper shell. Clearly trying to hide their effort as it was on the passenger side (which they must know I rarely visit).
Now, I’m not one to throw out accusations lightly, not one to “make assumptions”, but let me just say that my net of suspicion has been narrowly cast at one individual specifically. I don’t want to name names, but her initials are Heidi Howery! Yep, you heard right. I’m taking Heidi right off the bat. With the Sweetmint Gum in the parking lot of a baseball game. She had the motive, recently being dumped out of her chair by my wife. She had the opportunity (while I was out pitching) and she had the means, she’s an admitted gum chewer. Sorry Heidi, I know this must sting a little, but guilts not supposed to feel good. I may just mail this savory little chewy chunk of blobby evidence to my local CSI office and have them cross referenced the DNA with the big thumbprint forever imprinted upon it during the assault. Or maybe I’ll just get you back right before I move across country. You can deny it, but your lookin’ pretty good as a suspect you have to admit. And if by some super small fraction of a percent that I’m wrong in naming you as my lead “person of interest”, then I can at least rest, assured that my prior blog diatribe on the barbaric practice of gum chewing was justified. Being right RULES!